if i had a billion dollars

the lottery is up to a literal billion dollars, so this is my obligatory "what i'd do with a billion dollars" post.

1. quit my job. i really like my job a lot, but it's still a job with all the attendant obligations. as a bazillionaire, i will no longer be tied to someone else's schedule. i'd consider taking on special projects, consulting, spewing advice and the like, but i will tell them when i am available and not the other way around.

2. give my current employer a cool couple mill. i am not going to tell you where i work, but suffice it to say that it's a good cause. so in honor of the good cause and also as recompense for my aforementioned leaving, i'd shuck a couple mill their way.

3. per sir elton john, i'd buy a big house where we both could live. and by "both" i mean "all". like you and me and her and him and them and us and everyone. you know, if you wanted to join me. up to about 50 or so. i mean, it's a house, not a town.

4. per the bare naked ladies, if i had a million dollars, i'd build a tree-fort in our yard. that's in addition to the big house where we are all living. the tree-fort would not be big, though. it'd be my place to get away from all your money-hungry gold diggers and your snotty rug rats. there'd be a lock on the door.

5. completely fix up my car in a way that makes her wonderful because i love her. also, hire a chauffeur to drive me around in my lovely car. i'd also get a motorcycle that i can handle, as opposed to that harley that was a giant (literally, giant and steel) mistake. i'm thinking something like a honda rebel. oh, and a full face helmet to protect my noggin and my beautiful face. i'll also get a ford f-150, an audi, and a couple bicycles. i don't know what model i want of the audi and the bikes -- need to do some shopping there. or, have someone do some shopping for me.

6. i will take up serious long distance running in whatever measured and cautious way fits my body's ability to withstand the training. i'd travel all over the world to run marathons.

7. speaking of travel, i'll do it. i'll get a winnebago with a chauffeur and roam the americas, taking bicycles and my honda rebel and my lovely car. i'll have a tent and a bedroll and a lantern so i can sleep outside whenever i want. in addition to the winnebago-facilitated roaming, i'll have a way to fly all over the world. most likely, i'll join "wheels up" instead of purchasing my own plane. i want the flying machine to be always ready and available. with my own plane, there'd always be the chance it was out for repairs, and i can't risk that with my heavy travel schedule and my need to go when the spirit says go. in addition to all this sight-seeing, i will visit my far-flung family and long-lost friends. they will be sick of seeing me, but they'll never say so since i always bring such nice gifts.

8. hire a personal trainer. hire a personal chef.

9. endow brigadoon with a buttload of money so that it is always there and as a result of my having buttloaded it, take over the directorship. fill the place up with campers including myriad girls from social services. buy new canoes. replace those lameass plywood cabins with cabins made of actual logs. LOGO SWEATSHIRTS FOR EVERYONE, ALWAYS. pay the staff good wages and be sure they have what they need to do their jobs, but absolutely put an end to counselor snack boxes.

10. reduce my overall possessions by replacing the multitudes of wack shit i own with fewer items of greater quality. "reduce" except for books, which will multiply to the point of having a multi-story library in an open rotunda with rolling ladders.


well, that's good enough for a start.

what about you? what will you do?