18 April 2019

we are runners.

you size up the competition
as you shake hands
with all the usual suspects.
that one guy is here -
you'll show him.

you toe the line.
the road stretches out before you
empty and beckoning,
clear as an invitation.
in the near distance,
the lead bicyclist waits.

you hum along with the national anthem singer.
i don't hear that it's happening at all
until y'all are halfway in,
and conversations quiet
as hats come off in a wave through the crowd.

my place is mid-pack.
i swing my arms to maintain
a modest bubble of personal space
amid strollers
and pets
and costumed hobbyjoggers
and children.
i am anonymous.

the gun fires and we are off,
you and i.

you are out of the gate like a cannon shot,
a thoroughbred - formed for this.
you strain but it doesn't show:
you know better than to waste energy on a grimace.

i bob and weave.
the crowd is thick
and without rhythm.
children sprint then deadstop in my path.
a gaggle of giggling bridesmaids glide past in a miasma of mimosa.
a stroller wheel catches my heel.
a dog's leash is a tripwire.

i see you coming back
while i am still going out.
you are beautiful.
you are inspiring.
you will not be defeated.

the crowd thins and i can breathe,
and i set my sights on one and one and one,
and one by one they are behind me.
i will not be defeated.

as i make my way back to the car,
you are there -
receiving adulation like a savior.
you showed that guy.
you showed us all,
on this day.

you race to be
the winner,
and i race to be
not the loser,
and we are both fierce competitors.
we are both fierce.

we are not the same in many ways,
but on this day, we are the same
in the most important way:
we are runners.

04 April 2019

i'm back! did ya miss me?

i'm back! remember how i said i was goign to get my masters? remember that? like, 6 or 7 months ago? well, i did. that's right, got my masters in like 6 months. sounds exceptional, i know. thing is, knocking out schoolwork is kind of my superpower, so...

anyhoo, news is that i have a vocal fold polyp. yeah, now calm down. first, a vocal fold is basically what we call a vocal chord. second, a polyp on the vocal chord is not at all like a polyp on, say, the colon. polyp is just sort of a generic word for "popping out kind of thingie". on the vocal fold, a polyp is extremely much like a blister. extremely much like a blister in every way except that it won't pop or go away on its own. so, it won't go away, but at the same time, it's not really doing any harm. well, except i am a little hoarse. "neigh" haha.

srsly tho. hoarse and a couple times since december 100% laryngitic. not a big deal except when the laryngitis falls on a day i have a conference call. hah hah ugh. overall, not a thing, except when it is.

treatment... the doc recommends vocal therapy. like, i am talking wrong and need to correct it. this doesn't resonate with me because i have rarely been hoarse and LITERALLY never lost my voice completely, in my whole life, until recently. if i were doing the talking incorrectly, i would have had a problem before now, right? right. except he said it can be like a knee injury and over time it just gets worse and worse until you fall over. hm. maybe i have been doing the talking incorrectly until i finally fell over.

so i am checking with insurance to see what's covered because vocal therapy is extraspensive. if insurance doesn't cover it, the doc can recommend some "community based" speech pathologists. i actually know a speech pathologist, so if it comes to that, i will hit her up. but still, vocal therapy. i am skeptical. also - i am not clear on whether the vocal therapy can make the polyp go away, or just help me not make it worse, or what.

then. then! the doc told a story about a cross fit instructor who yelled her polyp into non-existence. "now don't go try to scream it away, haha," he said, hahaingly. well, why the hell not? seems a reasonable approach to me.

i have opted for now to: stop taking so much zyrtec-d, although it's my wubby, and stop talking so much, which is hard because i don't talk much as it is, and start drinking more water, which is also difficile because i am quite the drinker. #ofwater

if you enjoyed this thrilling polyp chat, well look for more excitement in the days to come!