05 December 2017

books 2017

clearly, i have forgotten how to read....

voyager - diana gabaldon
the content trap - bharat anand
harry potter and the cursed child - jk rowling
drums of autumn - diana gabaldon

wise man's fear - patrick rothfuss
ready player one - ernest cline
the name of the wind - patrick rothfuss
the thing about luck - cynthia kadohata
the hundred lies of lizzy lovett - chelsea sedoti
the rest of us just live here - patrick ness
the secret place - tana french
broken harbor - tana french
fate of the tearling - erika johansen
invasion of the tearling - erika johansen
the learners - chip kidd
sebastian darke, prince of fools - philip caveney
dancing barefoot - wil wheaton
furthermore - tahere mafi
bossypants - tina fey
no you cannot touch my hair - phoebe robinson
stories i only tell my friends - rob lowe
scrappy little nobody - anna kendrick
a great and terrible beauty - libba bray
define normal - julie ann peters
i was here - gayle forman
bones on ice - kathy reichs
a great reckoning - louise penny
the nature of the beast - louise penny
the long way home - louise penny
how the light gets in - louise penny
the beautiful mystery - louise penny
hex hall - rachel hawkins
the snow queen - michael cunningham
trick of the light - louise penny
harry potter and the deathly hallows - jk rowling
bury your dead - louise penny
the girl in the red coat - kathy hamer
the brutal telling - louise penny
the content trap - bharat anand
harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban - jk rowling
harry potter and the half-blood prince - jk rowling
emerald green - kierstin gier

01 November 2017

the sound of wellness

hello statbike, my old friend.
i've come to ride on you again.
when the foot pain comes softly creeping -
metatarsals arching and creaking -
but this time you won't get the best of me
you will see:
this time it's sounds of wellness.

in restless nights i bike alone
in the basement of my home.
'neath the halo of fluorescent lamp
turning pedals like a cycle champ,
and my eyes are stabbed by the flash of the teevee light
that split the night
and touched the sound of wellness.

and in the teevee light i saw
ten thousand hours maybe more -
hours in motion without moving,
hours peddling without propelling.
hours cycling on a bike that doesn't move -
what's the use:
it is the sound of wellness.

“fools” say i, “you do not know
metatarsals are your toes.
hear my words that i might teach you:
i'll ride forever and might not reach you,
take good care of appendages -
they are the well of wellness.

and you people bow and pray
to the running god you've made.
still the sign flashed out its warning
in the words that it was forming,
and the sign said
“the sage of the statbike
is staring at the basement walls,
'cause after all,
it is the sound of wellness."

with utmost respect to
sound of silence
by mr paul simon

20 October 2017

no thoughts for you!

i want to give you thoughts. i really do. but when it comes to choosing thought generation or [just about anything else], i seem to be going for the [anything else] more and more lately. thought generation happens when i am in a good cycle of feed and ruminate, feed and ruminate. first i have to feed my brain with exploration - new places, new people, new activity. then i have to ruminate, which a pause-and-think time. the exploration is happening too fast and furious right now, and i am not taking effective rumination breaks.

some of the stuff i have done lately...

- visit to NYC with someone who'd never been there. see things through their eyes. see things as if for the first time. see things for the literal first time. get lost but not too badly. be the one who knows how things work.
- start running again with regularity. feel frustrated that my pants are still too tight, in spite of the activity. find places for microworkouts during the day. feel frustrated that my body is aging despite my best attempts to turn a blind eye.
- get a big promotion. learn a metric shit ton about project management and leadership in the process. learn a bit about myself and my coworkers despite my best attempts to keep my distance.
- miss my mom in sudden & unexpected ways.
- consume to more audiobooks than ebooks by an immense order of magnitude.
- shop for birkenstocks.
- listen to alkaline trio way too loud but just one day.
- wonder about life and things. wonder why i can't wear my socks up, like the kids do, without looking ridiculous. are there things that are actually age based, or is it a matter of "owning it".
- dream about flying, about not being able to get up off the ground although i know i should be able to, about flying way too high and feeling scared i'll tumble, about flying head first, about flying feet first. dream about floating (as opposed to flying) and having to call out for someone to catch the ribbon i'm trailing and hold to the ground so i don't float away. sleep on my stomach, on my side, on my back.
- sleep in indiana.
- register for another soccer season because what he said is true - you should choose to keep doing it as long as you can because one day you won't have a choice about quitting.
- switch my basic work wardrobe to something more updated, which i purchase at old navy because it's just fashion and doesn't need to last, because the cheaper it is the easier it is to change, because the cheaper it is the sooner it wears out.

that's just a tidbit.

so. see? it's not like i am not doing stuff. what's missing is that i am not processing it effectively.


i am processing mostly into poetry these days, whereas i used to process into prose.

oooo! i like that much better.

do i like it because it's true? or do i like it because it explains what's happening?

is it true because it fits what's happening - or does it fit what's happening because it's true?

poetry comes easy for me. is it good poetry? humph. i'll let you be the judge. i think it's good. one of the many projects i want to do but have not done is to go through all my blogs and cull the poetry and make a book of it, but then i think about who'd want that book and well, i am back to missing my mom, which is a bummer.

but poetry comes easy for me. i can feel the rhythm and find the rhyme and i know that what i write isn't complex, but i also know that everyone can't do it. but because it comes easy for me, poetry feels like a cop out. but another word for something that comes easy is "gift". where is the line between gift and cop out? is it a gift if no one but me wants it? can a gift be just for the gifted, or is it not a gift if it's not sharable? people will say, "he's got a gift for kicking field goals." or "she's got a gift for photography." - but are those really the gifts those people have? what if you were born a shepherd in 1342 with a gift for kicking field goals? or you're born in the pleistocene era with a gift for photography? talk about a bummer, jeez.

anyway, this is how my thoughts go lately. they are tumbling and spinning more than they are sitting obediently to be typed on the page. i know it's not unusual. i know it's because i don't spend enough true rumination time. i know all that so i am not apologizing for the mess or anything. just saying - that's the state i am in. one day i will have way too much rumination time on my hands, and god willing, when that time comes, i will have even a fraction this much food for rumination.

16 October 2017


i am sorted.

i am

i am feather.
i am freedom.
i am air.

it is
sixty-five degrees.
it is
shadows under trees.

it is autumn.
i am breathing.
i am there.


in case you couldn't tell, this is a song. here is me singing it to the beat of the blinker: sorted

26 September 2017

a couple questions about kneeling during the anthem

does kneeling or sitting during the national anthem disrespect the flag, the country, people who fought for our freedom? what constitutes disrespect? can you disrespect only part of a faceless entity? is a country a faceless entity? can you disrespect the flag and respect veterans at the same time? does different etiquette apply if you are live at the event or at home watching the event? does different etiquette apply according to a person's role? is this a free country where it is our right to behave as we please as long as we aren't breaking any laws? does behaving against a common standard of etiquette constitute a protest? does behaving against a common standard of etiquette constitute an effective protest? what is an effective protest? can a protest accomplish a goal greater than mere recognition of an issue? does disrespecting what someone else holds dear get their attention in an effective way? does disrespecting what someone else holds dear further the cause of unity? when i say disrespecting what someone else holds dear do you assume i'm talking about disrespecting the flag? which is more disrespectful to all that is USA - not standing up during the national anthem or not standing up for what you believe? can action without context be meaningful? can protesters control the change that protest brings? can protest bring change? is getting angry over someone's protest a protest within itself? is anger a protest within itself? is anger productive?

20 September 2017

outwitted (2017)

i wanted to share myself with you
by telling you about the groups that i'm in
and then i heard you call the people in those groups idiots
and watched you treat them cruelly
and i lost my nerve

i wanted to share myself with you
by telling you my beliefs
and then i heard you disparage those beliefs
for the sake of tolerance
and i lost my nerve

i wanted to share myself with you
by telling you about the books that i read
and then i heard you call the ideas in those books stupid
and watched you treat them with contempt
and i lost my nerve

i wanted to share myself with you
by telling you about the places i go
and then i saw you marginalize those places
for the sake of inclusion
and i lost my nerve

i wanted to share myself with you
in the hopes that we could find
some common ground for love
but i felt your disdain
for everything that is me
so i lost my nerve

09 September 2017

to live in a grove of cedars

to live in a grove of cedars
and watch the day come up
sunlight strained through cedar boughs
hot coffee in your cup

to live in a grove of cedars
needles between your toes
and a wee grey cat to follow you
everywhere you go

to live in a grove of cedars
and work in the woods all day
ensuring apparent wildness 
where other people play

to live in a grove of cedars
with bob white for a friend
and a whipoorwill on your windowsill
when day is at its end

to live in a grove of cedars
and when the sun goes down
the lightning bugs come out to play
across the mossy ground

to live in a grove of cedars
and breathe cedar-scented air
while stars pass by in a cool night sky
you sleep with no worldly cares