19 mar 2012

someone who knows me fairly well has taken to calling me 'katniss' and i don't mind that. in case you're not familiar with katniss, she's the lead character in the hunger games and embodies a lot of enviable characteristics. she's smart, resourceful, brave, protective, loyal. she comes off as aloof but she's not without feelings -- she's just protective, doesn't give herself away. my favorite thing about katniss is that although she knows what she is capable of and doesn't often doubt herself, she doesn't realize the effect she has on others. she has a charm, a power, a charisma that she wields naturally, unknowingly. i would like to be that unaware of myself. i mean, charisma aside, i would simply like to have a moment free from constant calibration and measurement and refinement of my participation in simple human interactions. it's like a GPS in my brain... 'recalculating'... 'recalculating'... 'recalculating'... shut up, brain. it's not like you're ever going to get it right anyway.

18 mar 2012

i love you!!! i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

17 mar 2012

when i heard today that pope shenouda had died, my first reaction was, "but the pope's name is john paul" and then my next thought was "maybe it's a rapper".

i am telling this to you in order to hold myself publicly accountable for my pathetic narcissism.

firstly, pope shenouda is not the pope of the catholic church. john paul is also not the pope of the catholic church. the pope of the catholic church is pope benedict. pope john paul was the pope of the catholic church a few years back and everyone thought he was the bomb and he died.

pope shenouda is not a rapper.

pope shenouda is the pope of the egyptian coptic christian church. that's right, folks, there's more than one pope in the world.

the founder of the christian church in egypt is purported to be mark. yes, THAT mark. mark went to egypt during the reign of emperor nero. who knew? okay, you probably knew all this. i did not.

in the same way that i would like to be able to play drums or speak portuguese, i would like to be not a complete idiot about the rest of the world. what i mean is, i would like this to happen without my putting forth any effort. i would like to be a drummer. i would like to be fluent in portuguese. i would like to be not an idiot.

and, if i were to want to invest in becoming not an idiot, where would i even begin? by the time i'd get the heads of all the world's nations and churches memorized, someone would die or be displaced. pluswise, i don't think this is a crash-course sort of thing. i think it's probably more of an immersion sort of thing.

and, at this time, my immersion is consumed with myself.

16 mar 2012

it was just another day
just another day
just another day in the life
in the life
it was just another day
just another day
just another day in the life

it was dark with the alarm
dark with the alarm
dark with the alarm chiming soft
chiming soft
it was dark with the alarm
dark with the alarm
dark with the alarm chiming soft

it was time to arise
time to arise
time to arise and ashine
and ashine
it was time to arise
time to arise
time to arise and ashine

it was cold in the room
cold in the room
cold in the room to the bone
to the bone
it was cold in the room
cold in the room
cold in the room to the bone

she did not want to go
did not want to go
did not want to go there and be
there and be
she did not want to go
did not want to go
did not want to go there and be

it was just another day
just another day
just another day in the life
in the life
it was just another day
just another day
just another day in the life

15 mar 2012

it is one of those crazy hectic days. even early, i know it is going to be tight, so i figure on running after work. just before the 10:00 meeting i realise i might have a window for running if the 10 gets over early but instead it goes long. it is raining, plus i have another meeting at 13:00 and need to prepare the agenda for that. fine. i had planned on running after work anyway.

i eat at my desk whilst preparing the aforementioned agenda, then attend the 13:00 which lasts until 14:00, then go to the 14:00 which lasts until 15:45. whew! finally done with meetings so i check my email and whatnot then think maybe i'll go run right now but it is still raining and i don't want to use a treadmill in the fitness center because i am sure someone will be watching the vandy-harvard game which i am tivo'ing. so i decide to simply go home to run there.

it is drive-yourself day in carpool, so i get in the car and drive myself. i get a few miles down the road and hear on the radio... the weather warning! thunderstorms! lightning! hail! flood! frogs! goats! clearly i am already in the car, bout as well make the best of it. when i am pretty much too far in to go back, but too far out to keep going, the conditions start to deteriorate. i think what is hitting my car just might be hail, but i am a little hail-shocked from the other day, so i am not sure, but if it is merely rain, it is still coming down hella hard so i pull into a shell station along with a bunch of other folks. we all sit in our cars under the awning for a good while. maybe 10, 15 mins.

things start to clear up so i venture back out, yet i still don't like the sound and force of that rain, so i duck under a sonic drive-in canopy. stay there another 10 or so.

things really start to clear up so i venture back out and although it isn't currently raining, there is a TON of water on the road. i mistakenly drive through a really deep puddle because my car is low slung and i live in the Land Of Giant Vehicles so nobody else is having trouble so i have no idea that i am going to be so deep in. thank goodness the car doesn't flood.

i get literally (and i mean l.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y) 1.84365 miles down the road and the sky lets out again! i pull into the first place i see - the credit union drive through. another driver and i sit in our respective cars in our respective lanes for 15 mins.

finally, it really, really looks like it is stopping, so i venture out again, skirt another ginormous lakepuddle, and back on the road. this time, i make it all the way home.

i decide not to go running today. i know plenty of people would go, and would love it. and, i would probably love it if i got out there. the air is cool, the ground is soft. i am stressed and could do with some stress relief. but, it just seems like one more hassle. the wardrobe, the contact lenses, it's too dark to run in the neighborhood so i'd have to drive somewhere. i have had enough hassle for one day. i run for fun, so if it feels like a hassle, that sort of defeats the purpose.

14 mar 2012

so i was headed home and the weather started looking fierce. the radio report said "thunderstorm" but didn't say if it were a warning or a watch. doh! so i was skeedaddling on homewards. i knew i had to hurry because i needed to stop by the grocery. i needed to stop at the grocery because i planned to stop at the grocery. i mean, there was nothing i absolutely had to have. it's not like we would have starved without that loaf of bread and pint of strawberries. but i had planned to do it so i had to do it.

(remember when i was talking the other day about bringing my work home? seems that's happening in more ways than one. there's a ginormous project climbing steadily to completion, in the final weeks after over a year of work. it's exciting, but it does seem to be taking all my excess brain capacity and encroaching a bit into the non-excessive.)

so. i had to stop. and, i had to have strawberries.

have you ever felt compelled to do something that would be perfectly normal under normal circumstances but which when burdened with the compulsion to complete the task and exacerbated by a pressing deadline (impending storm) becomes absurd? i had to have strawberries. i could not go home without them so i had to stop at the store. i could not leave the store without them so i had to find a satisfactory pint. i scoured the display for a pint that was perfect. oh, here we go now, another layer. i couldn't accept any imperfection in a pint of strawberries that i didn't need but had to have immediatelyrightnow.

lucky for me, i found an acceptable pint, managed to get the rest of the groceries on my list without bogging down in the perfection-loop, and made it home before the storm hit.

(it rained like 4 minutes. the deck didn't even get totally wet.)

13 mar 2012

take a nap. take a bath. take a walk.
take a trip. take a drink. take a call.
make the grade. make the bed. make the deadline.
make the cut. make the change. make the next time.
break a fast. break a leg. break a heart.
break a lease. break a sweat. break apart.
stake a claim. stake a tree. stake a bonfire.
stake a bet. stake a life. stake a vampire.

12 mar 2012

for breakfast, i had a boiled egg and the sky was sunny.

at lunchtime, i had a pork chop sandwich and it rained.

in conclusion, pork chops cause it to rain.

11 mar 2012

this morning i had peanut butter crackers for breakfast then went to get groceries, stopping on the way for a starbucks. got the groceries then came home and cooked next week's lunches and messed around in the kitchen for an hour or so, cutting up cantaloupe and whatnot. had some crackers and bananas and grapes and a pork chop. watched vanderbilt win the SEC basketball championship. then, went to play some soccer where we lost. after soccer went to have beers and quesadillas with my mates, and then came home to watch golf.

10 mar 2012

i had planned an easy run for today because i've been putting in a few extra miles lately (yay!) and soccer starts outdoor tomorrow, indoor tuesday (yay!) and i'm just trying to stay smart about not doing too much (yay!). so today was to be 6 easy miles. now, when you run as slow as i do it's not always easy to run easy, so i gave myself permission to walk. i didn't want to walk, but i told myself it was okay, not to get all mad if i did walk.

i took off from the regular parking lot and immediately noticed a couple joggers around the goose pond, so i took the sidewalk, but our paths dovetailed at the end of the pond. they were going nearly my same pace and chatting annoyingly. chatnoying. i knew i could not follow these people for six miles, so i decided that when we got to the traffic signal i'd go whichever way they did not. they went straight, i turned left. as soon as i made the turn i realised this would be a fine route because i would have plenty of sidewalk, i hadn't been this way in a while so it would be interesting, and it would be long enough.

off to a good start.

i just tootled along and things were going fine. trees budding. sunshine. light breeze. interesting construction sites and older homes and one empty lot that i swear contained a house mere weeks ago. the RR tracks were 3.1 miles, so i turned around there and headed back. la-la-la. all is good.

then around 4.5 miles, my mental state began to deteriorate. who runs this slow? you might as well be walking. what a loser! you're old, fat, weak. why don't you just walk, it's not going to make any difference. who cares? no one. no one even cares what you do. why are you even out here? give up!

ouch.

i was still jogging and coming up on a woman pushing a stroller. she was walking, pushing a stroller, and it was still taking me forever to overtake her. but, as i approached and was maybe 10ft back, she looked over her shoulder and flashed me a smile, and turned back and started talking to her baby. "hey, tyka, here she comes! here she comes, tyka! here she is! say hi, tyka! say hi! hi! hi! look at the runner, tyka! look at her go! she is strong, tyka, see how strong she is? she is a strong runner. look at her run! watch her go! go! go!"

she was like my fairy godmother and she waved her word-wand and turned me into a real runner, just like that. "strong", eh? yeah, baby!

i finished up my run with a goofy smile plastered across my heart.

9 mar 2012

in THIS POST i said that my coworker said he got "wasted" cleaning out the fridger, but in fact, that is not what he said. he said, "i was hammered" which is funnier and i wish i had been able to remember that the first time. i knew i didn't have the right word, but i went ahead with the anecdote. my bad.

in other news, i am still taken with taking a bunch of my workstuffs home with me. i have TOLD YOU THIS previously. whatever was compelling me then to behave thuswise has not abated. i am still bringing home my workstuffs each day. each and every day. ad infinitum. ad nauseum. ad museum. why am i doing this? my outward mind is telling me it is so that, if i were to become ad nauseated over the weekend, i would be able to participate in the workday from the sickbed. as if. when i get sick, i watch "charmed".

ergo, my outward mind is fcking with me, covering up for my inward mind. so far, my inward mind has not come forth with the reasoning, and until it does, at which time i can deal mano-a-mano with the reasoning of my inward mind, until that time... i will simply have to lug this stuff around. that's metaphorical, right there, i don't care who you are.

(the password is 'hammered'.)

8 mar 2012

bunny rabbit
funny bunny rabbit
bunny bunny
sunny bunny
funny bunny rabbit

somebody said this to me the other day - You have a different sort of mind and that is what makes you feel bumbly and disconnected but it is also what is SO awesome about you for people who are more comfortable interacting with difference.

huh.

that's a lot isn't it.

my first reaction is that "a different sort of mind" sounds exciting and there's really no downside to awesome but then i think it sounds only lonely. but then it sounds superior and enviable. but then it sounds just sideways to the world. and then i think, who wants to be like the world anyway, and right when i am deciding i like the thought of having "a different sort of mind" i start to wonder how different my mind is, and then maybe it's not different at all, and maybe this person just thought that or worse didn't even think it but merely said it, and right when i am deciding i certainly have an ordinary run-of-the-mill mind, i get a bunny song in my brain.

do you get bunny songs in your brain?

maybe that's what it means to be different.

how would i know?

7 mar 2012

there's a big brouhaha over this:



it's a tag from a pair of men's trousers, sold by a UK company called madhouse. the controversy was fired up by a female journalist who got offended by the tag when she saw it in her boyfriend's pants. she saw the tag because she was picking up her boyfriend's pants. she was picking up her boyfriend's pants because she was tidying the house. she was tidying the house because that's woman's work.

MY work, here, is done.

6 mar 2012

been working at home today and as usual got more done in one day at home than i can manage during one week at the office. whose fault is that? clearly, i am solid. the office is to blame. so, the pro side is that a day of house working inspires in me the productivity of a team of oxen. the con side is that it crazes me a bit. i know, i know, "you're already crazy ace!" harDEE-har-har.

however.

my brand of crazy has to do mostly with wanting to be left alone, but leave me alone for a day and i am on the verge of making a telephone call to establish contact with the outside world. leave me alone for a day and i am convinced the mayans were right, so what's the point in remodeling the kitchen? leave me alone for a day and i am sending melancholy notes to my coworkers telling them what a stellar job they're doing in my absence, as if i were on elba. leave me alone for a day and i am emailing summercamp bunkmates, posting obtuse technical questions on obscure message boards in hopes of garnering a personal reply from the geeky sysop, gazing forlornly out the window like andrew henry's dog...

oh, i'll rebound by 9am tomorrow. it will only take an hour of my coworkers to have me tucked safely under the noise cancelers.

but today...


* sigh *

5 mar 2012

there was a story on NPR today about how the percentage of americans with at least a bachelor's degree is at an all-time high -- 30%. 30%?! are you for reals? that's our all-time high? seems a bit low to me, but of course, i come from a family comprising generations of folks who've obtained undergrad and graduate degrees. something that way less than half the folks living in america have managed to obtain turns out to be less than what's merely expected for this family. is this what they call privilege?

also, how can one word mean both "to be made of" and "to make up"... college graduates comprise 30% of america's population... america's population comprises 30% college grads. i am not even sure i am using it correctly, for that word has always confused me, and if it was covered in class, the attendance that day was not comprised of me.

when i googled comprise, this picture came up. it looks like those men are standing inside their instruments. that's pretty funny.

4 mar 2012

taking a break isn't easy. it's a cliché because it's true - we live in a rush-rush world where everyone's always meant to be productive. like so many things in our modern day world, what started as a laudable goal has gone awry - the puritan work ethic gone mad. i mean, c'mon. even the puritans took time off.

today has been one of those restless restful days. i've made breakfast and cleaned it up, been to the grocery, cooked next week's lunches, had some lunch myself, balanced the checkbook and paid the monthlies, finished up ford county stories. it's not like i've done nothing, but nothing i've done was forced, nothing on a deadline. i didn't run, didn't work out at all, purposefully taking a day off. i didn't start on the income tax or clean up the mess of filing. didn't wipe down the fridger. didn't install that ceiling fan... okay, the list of things that i didn't do could easily fill several pages.

but that's the point. there are always things we didn't do. you're never going to get done with everything that's waiting on you. it's just not possible, probably wasn't ever possible, even for the puritans. that's not what the work ethic is about, anyway. it's about giving your all to your work, doing your best at everything you undertake, not being a slacker. it comes down to not selling yourself short, not letting yourself down.

it's got nothing to do with that damn ceiling fan. it's about doing well the tasks you take on. it's not about fretting over the tasks you didn't get to.

in a bit, we're going for pizza and beers. we've earned 'em. after all, it's been a solid day of productive rest.

3 mar 2012

i'm not sure exactly what i have been clicking on in the yahoo news ticker, but the top stories on my ticker today are: video of an "embarrassing NHL gaffe", a photo of a mysterious light beam coming from a mayan temple, story about how an interview with a senate candidate's kid gets weird, and a bit about how the makers of an otter-based video game including a character called joustin beaver are suing justin bieber. that last one, i would have thought would have been young justin suing the otter game folk, but what do i know. those are the top four and are followed by a list of the most guessed passwords, a picture of katy perry's new look, a story about the dangers of diet soda, and finally, in slot #8, a story about the tornado damage. seven people-magazine worthy stories before the news. this is a custom yahoo home page that i log into. i use it at home and at work. i don't always click on anything and i never click on everything but the things i choose to click on are used to determine what i will be presented as options for my clickage. i mean, that's just how it works - you see more of what you've already demonstrated a liking for with your clicks. clearly, i am more interested in justin bieber's first amendment rights than i am about real news. but, in my defense, i am a complete idiot.

2 mar 2012

a bad weather front was coming. my carpool buddy said she wanted to go ahead and get home. the tornado siren went off. she said, do you want to stay? i was like, whatever. i mean, i didn't actually think it was a great idea to be in car, but on the other hand, the skies in the direction we'd be headed were much more favourable than the other direction. so, we got in the car and got on the road. she decided to take the freeway and we were nearly immediately blinded by torrential rain. i helped direct her to the outside lane so she could use the yellow line to keep her car aligned with the road. then, the hail started to fall. have you ever been in a car with the hail falling on it? louder than you might imagine. and, scary, too, because each one that hits the windshield sounds like it will break the glass. we had the radio up to listen to the ongoing weather commentary, and the weatherfolk started to name landmarks we were driving past. they named the area we were driving through! YIKES WE ARE IN THE STORM! DRIVE, WOMAN, DRIVE! i remained calm. i complimented my carpoolmate on her excellent driving skills. i surveyed the roadside for accessible ditches. i got religion.

we made it home safe. the worst of that particular pocket hit the highway we'd opted off when we took the freeway. so see? we were like 1/4 mile from the really bad stuff. completely safe. hakuna matata.

1 mar 2012

i thought i had a 10-will-get-ya-20 groupon for the bookstore, but turns out it was a 20-will-get-ya-40. pluswise, it was the half-price bookstore. yeah, baby!

now, the problem with the half-price bookstore is that they don't really have what you're looking for. they have overstocks and remainders. it's a bit hit or miss. for example, i am for some reason missing my septimus heap vol 2, but they only had vol 3. no reason, just odds & ends, that's how it goes. makes it difficult to fulfill the ol' wishlist.

and, boy do i have a wishlist of books as long as your arm! i mean, the list is long, not the books. (if you are a paraplegic, this analogy doesn't really so much apply as perhaps offend, so... look away.) do i keep the list well-organized on my iphone? bah-hah-hah-hardee-har-har. like hell. no. i do not. i keep it on a plethora of paper pieces which proliferate profligately. when i hear of a book i might like to read, i scribble on a scrap the title, author, ISBN if i can get it. it's not a wish "list" so much as a wish "hot mess".

anyhoo.

here is what i got today:

sister bernadette's barking dog: the quirky history and lost art of diagramming sentences -- by kitty burns florey
the planets -- by dava sobel
number freak -- by derrick niederman
up for renewal -- by cathy alter
the singer's crown -- by elaine issak
the crowfield curse -- by pat walsh
wildwood dancing -- by juliet marillier

the first four are non-fiction and latter three, YA fiction. YA fiction tends to be well-imagined, grounded yet out of the ordinary, innovative, easy to read, solid entertainment. the non-fiction are to help fulfill that commitment to read more non-fiction. i'll be in touch with you on how this all works out.

29 feb 2012

the irony of anonymity is that it allows for stunning honesty. well, i mean, aside from the "name" thing. when people don't know who you are, you can tell them all sorts of things. secret things. secret truths. would you like to know a secret truth about me? okay. i will tell you this: my name isn't really ace.

secrets are... well... secretive. they're purposefully hidden, put into the dark, tucked away. sometimes we put things away and don't look at them ourselves. sometimes we put things away so that we can look at them ourselves. some things are only for me. some things are for no one, not even me.

confidences are different. something personal is kept confidential, doesn't mean it's a secret. just means it's none of your business. my social security number is confidential, but it's not secret. secret has a connotation of immorality, something wrong that's buried, a skeleton in the closet.

everyone has secrets, things they're extremely reluctant to share, and in some cases, reluctant to even think about. funny thing is, if we were to pour them all out there, empty our souls like pockets turned out into the ashtray on the dresser, what we would see is that these secrets we each keep tight, these demons that haunt us individually, these precious dark treasures that we each hold dearly in our innermost selves... all these secrets are nothing more than more of the same.

28 feb 2012

on the day you were born, i was in houston. i said to your pappy décartes to tell your mammy joséphine that she should hold out for a leap-baby. he thought that was a prime idea. she did not. and so you were born on this day, the day before leap-day. you will have an ordinary sort of birth date instead of an extraordinary one, but believe you me, little man, you more than make up for any ordinariness of the circumstances of your birth with your very unordinary self. a toast to grenouille, on his birthday! (and of course, in the tradition of the beloved gramma-bec, a shout out to dauphiné, because it's your brother's birthday!)

27 feb 2012

today my coworker told a short tale that started with 'the refrigerator smelled like something had died in there' and ended with 'i got so wasted'. it was a shorter path than you might think between those two statements, and it was pretty funny, but i guess you had to be there. those of us who were there today attended our regular monday staff meeting. after a couple hours the meeting was sort of switching gears to a sales meeting, and i am not in sales, so i picked up my stuff and i left. later, my wasted coworker congratulated me on how smoothly i'd left. (haha, okay, he wasn't wasted #atthetime.) yes, i did manage to just get up and leave amidst a transition of sorts and yes, it was pretty smooth. it was part of my new schtick: 'i don't read minds'. i don't assume. i don't presume. i don't go where i am not invited. if i receive an email CC, i take it as FYI because if you want action from me, you can send an email TO me. i don't ask. i don't volunteer. i don't speak up. not that i wouldn't recommend any of those things to myself at perhaps a different point in my career, but now is not the time. now is the time to reinvent myself. i have become not so much a go-to problem-solving good-teammate type of coworker as one of your basic mop-up grunt-work dumped-on types. it's time for the rest of you to pull your weight around here. or, at the least, have the decency to explain what you'd like me to do. don't make me guess. because, i won't be doing that anymore.

26 feb 2012

we're going to need a bigger boat. those aren't pillows. yeah, baby. houston, we have a problem. i love the smell of napalm in the morning. you can't handle the truth. may the force be with you. adrian!! i'll have what she's having. as you wish. frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn. teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings. no wire hangers! i'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse. argentina? if you build it, they will come. nobody puts baby in a corner. have fun storming the castle! you had me at hello. and in the morning, i am making waffles! it's getting harder every day to pretend my father is safe. she's a nightmare, honestly, it's no wonder she hasn't got any friends. my pretty. my precious.

yes, it's oscar night. sandra bullock is class, personified, and bradley cooper would look gorgeous even with a bag on his head.

25 feb 2012

random stuff found in my email 'drafts' folder

----------

estee lauder had a daughter
wore more makeup than she ought'er
went outside in the rain & cried
my makeup is running
11.17.2008

----------

i need a little more ragtime in my life.
12.26.2009

----------

that little light blinking on your internal dash is the "check humour" indicator. you need to add a couple quarts of lighten up before your emissions get totally out of hand.
12.1.2009

----------

without him there to push against, she wasn't clear about standing up at all.
3.15.2010

----------

busta rhymes asian rap. asian quiznos.
4.9.2009

----------

if you leave non-alcoholic wine, aka grape juice, sitting around long enough... does it ferment & become alcoholic?
11.11.2008

24 feb 2012

it was a day just like any other.
rising sun. cups of coffee. good morning.
a day just like any other, she said to herself.
but of course it wasn't true.
this day was different than
any other day that
had come before it.
for this day she needed only
one
cup.

23 feb 2012

her parents named her gentle.

and, while you might hear

of a patience,
or prudence,
or faith,

of a grace,
or hope,
or joy...

folks don't name their girls gentle.

at least, not usually.

but gentle was
an unusual
girl.

22 feb 2012

a - aardvark
b - bumblebee
c - cart
d - doorway
e - egg
f - fly
g - goat
h - horse
i - ice cream
j - jumping jack
k - kale
l - lemon
m - mail
n - nail
o - oval
p - picket
q - queen
r - rally
s - sally
t - tally
u - umbrella
v - violin
w - walrus
x - xylophone
y - yak
z - zebra

interesting. i tried to just type the first thing that came into my head for each letter, but my head got really noisy. there at the end after umbrella (ella, ella) it tapers off into traditional children's book territory.

okay, it's your turn. go!

a -
b -
c -
d -
e -
f -
g -
h -
i -
j -
k -
l -
m -
n -
o -
p -
q -
r -
s -
t -
u -
v -
w -
x -
y -
z -

21 feb 2012

02212012 in base-3 converts to 2084 in base-10.
2084/2=1042/2=521. 5+2+1=8.
8 in base-10 is 10 in base-8.
8=2*2*2. 2^3. 2*3=6. 23.
23 in base-6 is 1111 in base-2.
1111 is aces.

20 feb 2012

i am not going to ask you again. if you want to go, you can say you want to go. i don't want to go, and i think i made that clear, but then i said that i would be happy to go if you wanted company, but the point was, i didn't want to go for myself. i could take it or leave it, and actually, i could more leave it than take it. could i be more clear? okay - how's this: i don't want to go. however, if it is important to you and you want company, i will go with you. if it were just me, i would not go at all, but if you want me to, i will go -- with you. if it's not important to you, not worth making a fuss over, but you would like to go and don't want to go alone, i will go with you. the only thing i am trying to say is that i don't want to go for myself, but it doesn't bother me to go. i am not doing anything else, just sitting here. but if the question is: do you want to go? i would have to say, no, no i do not want to go. unless you want me to. so i guess maybe you'd say what i want is to be with you. so. if you are going, i am going, and if you are not going, then i am not wanting to go without you. in conclusion, i cannot decide if we are going because it's not a pros and cons for me - there are no pros to simply going, the only pro to going is if you are going. so, it's all cons in my book except if you are going which puts the decision squarely with you, and i've already asked you if you wanted to go and i am not going to ask you again. you will say that we didn't go because i didn't want to go as if it were to please me that we didn't go, but it doesn't please me not to go if you do want to go. it bothers me if you don't do something you want to do because you think i don't want to. i don't need you to think for me about what i want to do or where i want to go. what i need is for you to decide what you are doing and then i will decide if i want to join you. not that i am just waiting on you for ideas of things to do because if i had something that i wanted to go do, i would do it. want, go, boom. done. if i wanted to do anything, i would do it, and it's not that i don't want to do anything, it's that i am content not doing anything. it's not an active not-wanting. i am not against going - it's just that it's not something i want for myself. it's up to you. but, i am not going to ask you again.

19 feb 2012

i like to play tetris and i play it quite a bit -- nearly every day and sometimes several times a day. to get a tetris you have to blast four rows simultaneously and often when i flub and the first blast is less than four, i will trash that game and start anew. there will be hundreds, probably thousands, of tetris games in my life, so why should i carry on with one that has so clearly gone awry? there is no purpose in merely finishing a standard game.

once, i scored over a million points... just the once. i have gone over 900000 a few times and i am generally in the 800000-900000. i play at the highest speed and can peripherally see the next pieces in the queue. in the world of nintendo-ds tetris, i am an elite.

currently i am working on playing the piece that is given and not hitting the switch-out button. because i am working on this new skill, i am not scoring as highly, i am relegated to merely finishing, and i am often not even able to complete a game at all. however - because i am not giving up on a piece and just switching out for an easier piece, i am learning a lot about the pieces and ways that they can fit together. i am seeing the game in a new way and finding fresh amusement in something that, because i am so good at it, had become a bit stale. this work will make me a better tetris player and will make tetris a more enjoyable part of my daily life.