GiGo

i know what it is: it's your basic garbage-in, garbage-out. gorging myself on a steady diet of top-40 radio and candy crush does not nourish my writing muscles. i have nothing of substance to say because i have listened to nothing of substance. i have nothing of substance to write because i have read nothing of substance. my thoughts are shallow, ephemeral, centered around material possessions... boots, and a bag.

i tell myself i will do better, and i turn on NPR for the commute to work. but ten'll get you twenty they're interviewing someone with loose dentures or the commentator has the clicky-dry-mouth. is there some rule against sips of water, at NPR? they are driving me nuts.

also, i'm not making excuses (#maybeiam #dontjudge) but the commute isn't necessarily the best time to count on assimilating quality inputs. there are a plethora of distractions to edification, which distractions are in actuality rightly categorized as The Main Event, with the edification evidently taking a back seat, as it were. eyes on the road and whatnot.

so, it's left to music to fill my tiny slingshot car during the commute, and while i'm certainly not dissing music altogether, music is not a generally accepted conduit of knowledge. save the ABC song, and those that list presidents and state capitols, and the entirety of schoolhouse rock -- music is entertainment. there is nothing wrong with being entertained. alls i am saying is that my writing muscles aren't getting nourishment during the commute.

work is work, and i do actually learn quite literally a lot during work, but i am not going to write about it. i mean, not here. i have other outlets to write about work, and i have recently stepped work-writing up a bit, and you could make the argument that work-writing's overtaking off-writing is due to its being given more attention. that's a shiny argument, but it's fools gold... the time i spend work-writing would not be filled by off-writing or by anything that directly nourishes off-writing. the reality is that writing begets writing, so the work-writing should - innately (albeit, indirectly) - enhance the off-writing. can't blame the work-writing. nice try, though.

after work, we fill the time with television. homeland. big bang theory. mom. house of lies. episodes. masters of sex. men at work. person of interest. csi. shameless. newsroom. sports, sports, sports. leno and fallon as fill-ins. we will literally sit and chain-watch reruns of big bang on tbs before we'd consider shutting the damn thing off altogether. it's what we do to unwind. it's shared entertainment. we look at each other and laugh, which is not to be belittled in value... it's simply not nourishing my writing muscles.

when my workouts were the statbike, i'd use that time to read, but my workouts are currently running with sometimes yoga, so i don't use that time to read. when i rode a vanpool for the commute, i'd use that time to read, but i'm driving myself now, so i can't use that time to read. he used to coach soccer, ergo he'd be out till late a couple nights per week, and i'd use that time to read, but we're together more now, so i won't use that time to read.

i am full of excuses when i want to be filled with inspiration, brimming with things to tell you. it makes me sad because a part of myself is atrophying and i know that i'm at risk of losing use of it altogether. i want to save it and i know that to save it, i need to exercise it. i know the longer i go without exercising it, the more out of shape it gets, and the more work it'll be to bring it back.

so, like the compulsive dieter, the 2am online gambler, the bar hopping alcoholic... i promise you i'll do better.

i promise myself. i'll do better.

i'll do better... tomorrow.