predawn jitters

6am. i got up at 5 because we're heading to the start at 7 and that's what i do -- get up 2 hrs before, get the engine running #ifyouknowwhatimean. i've had a glass of water and a cup of coffee and a peanut butter sandwich and i've caught up on words with friends and played thru my candy crush lives and at this point alls i really want to do is sit here and drink more coffee. firstly, it's freaking cold as hell in this house and the coffee's hot. but secondly and slightly more weighty... i don't want to face another 5hr marathon. i realise going into it with an attitude of failure doesn't bode well for success, but after so many failures, it's difficult to find my optimism. so i'm back to who cares and fck it and you burn the same calories either way but truth is i care. i care and i don't know why i keep breaking my heart like this.