i want to give you thoughts. i really do. but when it comes to choosing thought generation or [just about anything else], i seem to be going for the [anything else] more and more lately. thought generation happens when i am in a good cycle of feed and ruminate, feed and ruminate. first i have to feed my brain with exploration - new places, new people, new activity. then i have to ruminate, which a pause-and-think time. the exploration is happening too fast and furious right now, and i am not taking effective rumination breaks.
some of the stuff i have done lately...
- visit to NYC with someone who'd never been there. see things through their eyes. see things as if for the first time. see things for the literal first time. get lost but not too badly. be the one who knows how things work.
- start running again with regularity. feel frustrated that my pants are still too tight, in spite of the activity. find places for microworkouts during the day. feel frustrated that my body is aging despite my best attempts to turn a blind eye.
- get a big promotion. learn a metric shit ton about project management and leadership in the process. learn a bit about myself and my coworkers despite my best attempts to keep my distance.
- miss my mom in sudden & unexpected ways.
- consume to more audiobooks than ebooks by an immense order of magnitude.
- shop for birkenstocks.
- listen to alkaline trio way too loud but just one day.
- wonder about life and things. wonder why i can't wear my socks up, like the kids do, without looking ridiculous. are there things that are actually age based, or is it a matter of "owning it".
- dream about flying, about not being able to get up off the ground although i know i should be able to, about flying way too high and feeling scared i'll tumble, about flying head first, about flying feet first. dream about floating (as opposed to flying) and having to call out for someone to catch the ribbon i'm trailing and hold to the ground so i don't float away. sleep on my stomach, on my side, on my back.
- sleep in indiana.
- register for another soccer season because what he said is true - you should choose to keep doing it as long as you can because one day you won't have a choice about quitting.
- switch my basic work wardrobe to something more updated, which i purchase at old navy because it's just fashion and doesn't need to last, because the cheaper it is the easier it is to change, because the cheaper it is the sooner it wears out.
that's just a tidbit.
so. see? it's not like i am not doing stuff. what's missing is that i am not processing it effectively.
i am processing mostly into poetry these days, whereas i used to process into prose.
oooo! i like that much better.
do i like it because it's true? or do i like it because it explains what's happening?
is it true because it fits what's happening - or does it fit what's happening because it's true?
poetry comes easy for me. is it good poetry? humph. i'll let you be the judge. i think it's good. one of the many projects i want to do but have not done is to go through all my blogs and cull the poetry and make a book of it, but then i think about who'd want that book and well, i am back to missing my mom, which is a bummer.
but poetry comes easy for me. i can feel the rhythm and find the rhyme and i know that what i write isn't complex, but i also know that everyone can't do it. but because it comes easy for me, poetry feels like a cop out. but another word for something that comes easy is "gift". where is the line between gift and cop out? is it a gift if no one but me wants it? can a gift be just for the gifted, or is it not a gift if it's not sharable? people will say, "he's got a gift for kicking field goals." or "she's got a gift for photography." - but are those really the gifts those people have? what if you were born a shepherd in 1342 with a gift for kicking field goals? or you're born in the pleistocene era with a gift for photography? talk about a bummer, jeez.
anyway, this is how my thoughts go lately. they are tumbling and spinning more than they are sitting obediently to be typed on the page. i know it's not unusual. i know it's because i don't spend enough true rumination time. i know all that so i am not apologizing for the mess or anything. just saying - that's the state i am in. one day i will have way too much rumination time on my hands, and god willing, when that time comes, i will have even a fraction this much food for rumination.