and then she goes, you need to get a colonoscopy, and i am all like, c'mon doc, but then she was like, just do it, so i was all oooookay if i haaaave to.
cause those things are a pain in the ass.
anyhoo, i didn't want to do it, so i put it off a whole year, and went for my annual physical, and went through the whole conversation again.
then, one day, i saw a commercial for this: cologuard.
colonoscopy at home!
IT'S A REVOLUTION!
i messaged my doc. that's right, messaged her. my doc works for vandy and they have a slick messaging system. anyway, i messaged my doc and asked, what about this cologuard - can it be a substitute for a colonoscopy? she was all, good question and yes it sure can and in fact we have an even better test here at the lab, you can come pick it up during regular business hours.
getting to the doctor's office during regular business hours is a royal pain but not quite as royal as a colonoscopy. like, a colonoscopy is the king of pain and getting to the doc at midday is the princess.
so i went on over there today, found a place to park, went in and asked at the information desk where could i get the "mail order colonoscopy thing". the info desk guy was all, riiiiight.... the colonoscopy department is over there. so i walked over there and asked for "that kit thingie where you can do the test at home" and the guy at the desk was all [blank stare].
so then i had to get directions to my doc's office because this place is hella mazey. i wound my way through the building to her office and the lab across the hall... and there i managed to ask for the "home fecal testing kit" #GROSS. the one lady at the desk had to ask another lady and the first lady literally said she forgot what i wanted and so i had to say it again, "home fecal testing kit" #GROSS. but that second lady, she just reaches in the desk and hands me an envelope.
it's like 4"x6" and you can feel this tube thing inside.
ACK. ACK. ACK.
i'll just stop here. this is probably already more than you wanted to know.