i have been precluded from running for months now by circumstances well beyond my control, but this week i have been out three times. three, count 'em - three! in light of this momentous occurrence, i have put together the highlights of some of my myriad running styles. (note: by "playlist" i mean examples of the type of music running through my head. i never wear music while i am running because i am a real runner.)
tight-ass trainer
this sprightly stride is designed to tell the world that i am A Runner who is Obvs Taking An Easy Day. the hips are definitely tight for this one but the stride is smooth and long. i'm clearly talented and that is why this is so easy for me. a key element for this run is a straight back, so straight that i could carry around a copy of pride and prejudice on my head, and i don't mean the hardcover weighty library tome pride and prejudice. i mean that copy that was handed down from your brother because he was one grade ahead of you, so you had all the same reading lists he did, soon enough after him that you could read the same actual books as he did, even though he treated you like a booger that he couldn't get off his pinky finger. that copy. that chunky mass-market paperback with the curled up cover. my back is literally so straight and my ass is literally so tight that i could carry that janky book around on my head while i am running. and, look good doing it.
wardrobe: a matchy-matchy running skirt and tech top
playlist: sailing, africa, more than a feeling, everybody wants to rule the world, kiss on my list, soul sister
pace: hella fast
tired-ass trot
despite its alliterative alignment with the aforementioned tight-ass trainer, the tired-ass trot bears it little resemblance to its fellow. this gait says "i've been running several times this week already and i am about to compunctionally malfunction. i mean, i am tired. i mean i am literally so tired that i am about to pull a patsy cline and fall to fucking pieces. so tired... but hey. um... hey, whatnow. here i am still holding on to a stridelike motion. worn to the nub but yet, a runner." a key element here is holding everything together just enough to not fall apart, while maintaining a run: a gait wherein half the time both feet are off the ground. not shuffling. not walking. running. the steps can be close to the ground and can be bitty-baby short, but a runner's rhythm remains.
wardrobe: who cares? you're lucky i am even going out! i am so tired.
playlist: the sound of blood pulsing through my brain
pace: haha
happy-go-lucky hobbyjog
this is a joyous lark, a flit and float and fleetly fleeing flight! this bouncy bound says i am a naturally talented runner who doesn't even know how spectacular she is, just bobbing around town, la la la, out and about on a loose, jangling jog. it's key here to loosen up the hips and shoulders. let the arms swing. head bobbing is a-okay. the challenge is to maintain the bounce and jangle without landing in a heap and tangle. the hobbyjog is harder than it looks - what with all the relaxed hips and high steps, it can be quite a tax on the ol' hammies. accomplishing the bounce and jangle while beaming with the joy of flitting fancifully is damn hard work. but, so fun!
wardrobe: soccer shorts and cotton tee
playlist: happy jack, born to run, black coffee in bed, fat bottom girls, melt with you
pace: DON'T PRESSURE ME!
mad marathoner
this is nothing but a shuffle. shuffle through training and shuffle through the "race event". mile 1, shuffle. mile 15, shuffle. mile 25.8, shuffle. feet are low, face down to the path, arms tight to the sides like you're dying of broken ribs and can only hold them in with your elbows and forearms. barely maintaining the run-type gait, you shuffle. shuffle. shuffle.
wardrobe: that special outfit you bought just for the occasion
playlist - rubber tree plant ant song on endless loop
pace: finishing is all that matters
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