first, i can't decide what to wear. you only get one chance to make a first impression and in this case, the first impression is about it, since i don't plan on seeing these people ever again. i feel like i need to choose my outfit carefully, because this is urban traffic school. i'm not really "urban" and i don't want to look like a complete dork.
i give serious consideration to the bling pants but really, those pants aren't made for sitting, and that's just what i'll do for the next 6 to 8 hours. i finally go with khaki shorts and a grey tee. yes, my originality stuns even me. the shirt is from the new balance store, but it's emblazoned with "empower" in a weird script that's more harley than runner, so i'm thinking that'll help me fit in.
i put on a old pair of trainers but they look dowdy in that way that only running shoes can do. i tried keds but they're worse, so i settle on the chucks, which are about my coolest shoes if you don't count my cowboy boots which in this context you cannot. my chucks are demolished in a way that says i wear chucks, not because they are cool, but because i am.
the class is filled with stereotypes. stupid clownish man. sleepy snoring man. angry black chick. white college kids in logo gear literally using "whatnot" in their actual speech patterns. this one asian dude in plaid button-down and khakis, who can explain deceleration and feet per second. young black men wearing enormous "shorts" and sagging pants, who turn out to be excellent at reading stuff aloud. this lanky white guy in golf shirt and jeans who reeks of suburbia and wants to be everyone's friend. the guys gravitate towards each other as do the girls, except this one girl who sits right in with the guys and raucously mocks one who admits he can't change his own brake pads.
to my left is a middle-aged black woman who received her citation for driving down the right-turn only lane and before the turn, attempting to force-merge back into the main traffic. although it's annoying as hell when people do that, i did not realise that it is a ticketable offense. to my right is a redneck white chick, maybe 30 or so, who was cited for driving on a revoked license because she had to get to work but she'd lost her license for DUI... her third DUI. one of the videos we watch has this really hokey music and she goes, "sounds like a cheap porno! haha!" and i am like, oh girl you are not helping yourself, but i keep that thought in my head, because, you know.
at lunch break, i end up at sonic for tater tots and cherry limeade. back in class, my redneck pal has a bit of glitter on her eyebrow and the glitter matches the glitter on her shirt and i am thinking damn, she took that shirt off for lunch and all i had was tater tots.
the instructor tries to make the class easy but she only succeeds as far as to make it stultifyingly boring. it would be better if she would read the damn book, but she's done it too many times, i guess. she takes frequent long breaks, which satisfies the smokers and i'm okay with it as well because the building is a cell phone free zone so i have to go outside to play words with friends or check twitter. of course, i stand over by the corner of the building acting like i am texting my dealer or something because this is really not a words with friends kind of crowd, and i don't want to get knifed.in the building, NO CELL PHONES. as the retired deputy who has the tiny little kingdom of the traffic school lobby to rule informs me, there are eleven signs to this effect in the lobby. ELEVEN SIGNS. he has this spiel where he tells you the consequence of using your cell phone in the building is that he can cancel your class and make you pay again, and the reason is that during the week, the building is used as a treatment facility for DUIs and sex offenders, which means there are hippa regulations. we hear this speech multiple times, and i never learn what my saturday cell-phoning has to do with the hippa of a sex offender who comes to treatment on a weekday, but i let that slide. the retired deputy has one straight eye and one sideways eye so it's never quite clear which of us is receiving the speech, but i am certain i don't want to give the king of the traffic school lobby an excuse to exert any authority over me, so i go outside with my games.
the instructor manages to make the 30 minutes of material last 6 hours, which i have to grudgingly respect and admit is a hellish way to make a living. she dismisses us. i thank her for her efforts, and reach the parking lot in time to see my classmates (literally) speeding off in all directions. we didn't even exchange email addresses.
did i learn anything? not about driving safety. i mean, i drive unsafely more out of stupidity than ignorance. about my classmates, urban living, tolerance? hell, the mate who put the most demands on my tolerance was Suburban Golf Shirt Guy. i think he was just really nervous to be around all these different kinds of people, but the irony is that the more different kinds of people there are, the more we all just seem alike. we were certainly united by our boredom and our flagrant disregard for traffic laws.
No comments:
Post a Comment