skins of the snake

the other day i was jogging down through the college district. it's that time of year - lots of dewy-eyed freshmen and their directionally challenged parents wandering the district. it's like they've never walked on sidewalks before. i mean, i know they SEE me. they have to SEE me. why can't they just budge over a tidge and let me safely pass?

but i digress.

i was once a dewy-eyed college freshman, and one among my myriad regrets is not taking advantage of the inherent chance to reinvent myself that starting a new phase of life presents. i managed to shift my faux-punksterism into faux-countryism, but that's about it. i didn't change my name, my wardrobe, my thinking about myself. i completely missed the rebranding opportunity.

before that, i'd missed the same opportunity when i started a new school in 9th grade. and, before that, when i'd started a new school in 7th. and before that when i started a new school in 5th. in 1st grade, i did manage to brand myself "the smart kid" and THAT stuck like fucking glue.

i nearly missed the chance when i entered the working world, but i woke up a couple years in and dropped "ace" for "aceifer", which is my full and formal name. i mean, ace is fine and all here, but i wanted to be more grown up at work. i just came in one day and announced that everyone should call me "aceifer" from now on.

i haven't made any equally drastic changes, but i haven't completely stagnated. i've phased-out-phased-in new wardrobes -- managed over the years to trade pumps for keds, skirts for skorts. i like to buy clothes for work at the golf store now. and, like gradually changing my wardrobe, i've chipped away at my tries-too-hard attitude and acquired a doesn't-have-to-try confidence.

it wasn't until i was out of college altogether that i realised i'd missed a golden opportunity to reinvent myself freshman year, but now, looking back, i know that sudden reinvention isn't a real thing. the most i could have done would have been to have enacted a bunch of changes all at once, but those changes would have had to have been part of a plan.

reinvention isn't random. reinvention is a choice that we make when we're done with ourselves. the reason i realised after college that i'd missed the chance to reinvent is because after college, i was done with myself. when i was a freshman, when i had that chance, i wasn't done with being the person i was. i still had some things to do with that person.

so, now.

now i am who i am because i have reinvented myself along the way, discarding the selves i was done with like a snake shedding skins.