obviously full of something

so, you don't want to talk current events? okay.

last night we had what looked to be a full moon. tonight, it looked big and full again, so i googled it up to be sure. turns out, it was full last night and according to full moon calendar, it was the "buck moon". what the hell is the buck moon, you ask? well, i will tell you. it's when the everyone runs around buck naked. HA. i kid.

the july full moon is known as: hot sun, hay, thunder, buffalo, and buck.

-- hot sun. well, that's obvious - it's july, the sun is hot. that said, seems sad to name the moon for the sun. i mean, the moon spends its entire existence reflecting the sun, seems like the least we could do is give it its own name.

-- hay. again, obvious. hay ripens in the summer.

-- thunder. lots of thunderstorms in the summer.

-- buck. i had to research this one. turns out that young male deer (a.k.a. bucks) begin to grow antlers in mid-summer.

-- buffalo. i didn't find anything specific on this one but did find that august's sturgeon moon was so named by native americans because august is a good month to catch sturgeon in the great lakes area. frankly, i don't believe that the natives called them "sturgeon" but whatever. now, based on this, i assume "buffalo moon" has to do with july being a good time to hunt buffalo.

so, that's july, and i am not going into that amount of detail for the remaining months. you can research those yourself. for some months, i found multiple names


january - wolf, black snake
february - snow, raccoon, hunger, bare spots on the ground (WTF??)
march - worm, crow, little grass
april - pink, duck, goose egg (duck-duck-goose moon!)
may - flower, milk
june - strawberry, mead, rose
july - (SEE ABOVE!)
august - sturgeon, green corn, grain
september - harvest, wild rice, full corn, red plum
october - hunter, nut, blood
november - beaver, frost
december - oak, cold, long night

note that there is no "blue corn moon" as per disney's pocahontas. most likely, the "green corn moon" just didn't sound right.

note that march, the month of my birth, is the WORM MOON. i am currently ambivalent about this.




thoughts?

bigger than a tweet

just now, multiple police officers were shot in baton rouge and at least two were killed. i am watching the news unfold and getting a small taste of what it feels like to live in the wild west, or modern-day mexico.

we have enough external enemies without fighting so violently amongst ourselves.

but, what can *I* do? what can any one person do to alleviate the extreme tension between law enforcement and communities?

i can choose carefully and thoughtfully whom i vote for.

i can be kind and pay kindness forward.

i can make my bed.

i can be vigilantly alert and aware of my surroundings, defusing tensions if possible and protecting myself when necessary.

but it's frustrating - to put it mildly - that none of what i can do really makes any difference.

i'm open to suggestions. what else can i - can any one person - do? leave your thoughts in the comments. maybe together we can come up with some concrete actions we can each take.

of vigilance and bed-making

i'm sure you've heard by now what happened in orlando this morning -- in the wee hours, a terrorist attacked a nightclub, killing 50 and injuring another 50 or more people. what the hell, am i right??

we were watching the news coverage today and at one point, i got up to use the toilet. walking through the bedroom to the lavatory, i saw the bed was unmade. i thought i should make it and then the next immediate thought was who the fuck cares about the damn bed. people have been killed. damn. THEN i thought it would be great to just get back in bed and pull up the covers and not think about shit like people getting shot.

and that's when i realized i had to make the bed.

partially, i had to keep myself from crawling back in, and a made bed is a definite disinvitation to crawl back in. the simple act of putting effort into making something neat contributes to the disinclination to mess it up.

partially, i had to do something normal. the way news coverage today is comprised of reports which purport to be updates but are not substantively different one to the next -- this microscopic examination is not normal. making the bed is normal and doing something normal puts life back into perspective.

not that it's not normal to care about the world or be concerned about horrific violence. of course that's normal. you just can't let it consume you.

you just can't. vigilance against getting consumed by events is the linchpin of sanity.

after planes hit the twin towers on 9/11, i was sitting in my office glued to (then nascent) internet news, mainlining twizzlers. you know, as one does. into the afternoon as normalcy began to peek out around the corners, a coworker sent an email about sign-ups for an upcoming 5k. at first, i was like, what the hell - the world is ending and we're talking about 5k's?!

but that email did perform the valuable service of pulling my brain back from the brink. "you don't want to go there," it said. "and what's more, you don't have to. look, we're all over here, being normal. come be normal with us."

of course, it wasn't that easy. there was a cavernous gap between the morning of 9/11 and normalcy. but just like making the bed, reading and mentally processing that email reset my perspective.

these actions are a mental respite. they could be no more than momentary, like a water station in a marathon. the race isn't over, but it's a wee break, a chance to take stock, and hey look, i'm not ready to quit yet.

i made the bed, and went on from there to do some laundry and wash the cars.

because i'm not ready to quit yet.

i think you get the point.

i promised myself i'd write today, but i really have nothing at all to say, so i'll tell you a game we used to play, when i was but a child. it would always make us laugh, to see which one would be the last, spontaneously a rhyme to cast, when i was but a child.

it went thuslywise: starting from a normal everyday conversation, someone would note the organically arising rhyme and they'd call it out, and it would go from there. is this a 'real' game? maybe it's a party game? i don't know. we never played it on purpose as a game. it was always organic and spontaneous.

as in...


alfa: they're building an arena at the boat dock.

beeda: a marina arena?

alfa: yes.

(pause)

beeda: what do you call a venue at the toe dancers' boat dock?

alfa: ballerina marina arena.

alfa: what do you call a venue at the toe dancers' boat dock on an island off the coast of california?

beeda: catalina ballerina marina arena

beeda: what do you call an eatery at a venue at the toe dancers' boat dock on an island off the coast of california?

alfa: catalina ballerina marina arena cantina

alfa: what do you call a legal notice served at an eatery at a venue at the toe dancers' boat dock on an island off the coast of california?

beeda: catalina ballerina marina arena cantina subpoena

beeda: what do you call a legal notice served to a dish of pasta at an eatery at a venue at the toe dancers' boat dock on an island off the coast of california?

alfa: catalina ballerina marina arena cantina semolina subpoena



... i think you get the point.

my sweet disbelieving heart

i could live here. i mean, if i needed a place to land, to reestablish, this could be that place. thing is, despite your disbelief, you are my heart. if an occurrence were to pull, pluck, or rip my heart from me, the last place i'd want to be is the place where i'd been with my heart. every traffic signal, every blade of grass, every child on a bicycle, every cup of coffee, library book, trip to target... everything would evoke nothing but you. like someone suffering a traumatic head injury, i'd have no taste, no smell, no feel for anything in a world gone grey and flat without you.

i could not be
only me
in the place
we were we.

so, anyways, i could live here.

the streets are laid out in nice even blocks, perfect for navigating by car or by foot. the houses are a bit down at the heels but the yards are kept and each contains its own flowering bush, a rose or gardenia or somesuch. there is a starbucks on every fucking block - and sometimes two! in chipotle and in walgreens and in the funny little organic market where the selection is so narrow, they are always playing a song i like. literally, always. keane. postal service. death cab. bastille. phoenix. miike snow. some band called american tomahawk. some guy called jamie scott. the mall has a barnes & noble and a dollar store. public transportation is omnipresent and inexpensive. being outside is an actual thing that people actually choose to do on a regular basis - bicycling, hiking, jogging. and here, grey skies are normal.

the people are friendly, but not in a way that gets in your way. not invasive, i mean. they make eye contact. they smile. they aren't belligerent when you place your order or ask where the cheez-its are. they aren't standoffish. they're just nice, on a normal scale. they recycle and accommodate vegetarians, but they aren't combative - if you forget to drop your water bottle in the correct bin, they don't castigate you. on the whole, people here are easy going. could be because pot is legal here... or could be why it's legal.

yeah, this place has good outlets - i could plug right in. so, i'll remember it's here if i ever need it, but i hope i'll never need it. i hope i'll always have the only thing i ever really wanted... you - my sweet disbelieving heart.

of normalcy

the man who often stands at the corner where the off-ramp meets the city street is talking to himself this morning. his attention is directed into the weedy roadside, and he's only half-facing the road, but i can see his mouth moving in that distinctive rhythmic way that denotes talking. i can't tell if he is making sound, if he is actually talking out loud, but there's an attitude of sincerity about him.

normally, he stares at the exiting cars. well, normal in this case being what is normal for him, what is usual for him. i wouldn't say it is precisely normal to stand beside the off-ramp and stare into cars. his stare is simultaneously intense and unfocused, as if he is looking completely through car, driver, passengers, detritus of the commute, and studying the road itself.

but, today his attention is elsewhere and this somehow causes in me a stab of homesickness as palpable as the mingled taste of toothpaste and coffee on my tongue.

the signal changes and i am reminded of my place in the river of traffic. i am reminded of my normal. away i float on the current of purpose that propels the fully employed.

you say manic, i say potato.

at work we have a benefit called humana vitality. it's basically the gamification of fitness.

you find the website, join up, make a profile, and start earning points. you get points for having the (at my place of work, required) basic health screening, and then if your numbers are (as are mine) in the above-average range, you get more points. you get points for visiting the doctor, the dentist, for giving blood, for exercise.

all these points add up and you can spend them at the vitality mall to purchase fitness equipment, fitness gear, and (paradoxically) movie tickets. i made quite a splash during the entry and quickly had enough points to get something, but didn't have the interest to shop. i even had enough points for a device, but didn't really want one. who needs it? meh.

then came STEPPING INTO SPRING!

another aspect of the program is challenges. you can start a challenge, invite other people to the challenge, join other peoples' challenges. the HR department started a challenge called "stepping into spring" where teams compete to see who can get the most steps. the only way to get your steps counted is to link a device or app to the system. i wanted to join the challenge but didn't like the apps. what i really needed was a device. where to get one... where to get one...

heh.

i hopped on the humana vitality mall and found a nice little garmin device. i had it linked and counting right away. devices are so easy these days. the device syncs to an app and the app syncs to humana vitality.

so now i am counting steps every day, all day long. at first, it was a thing to get 10,000 but then i saw that 10,000 is relatively simple. now i am all about the 15, 17, 20,000.

it takes less than a minute to walk 100 steps and you only have to do that 10 times to get a thousand and you only have to do THAT 20 times to get 20,000. it's just not that hard.

so, now i am all about the walking and walking. take the long way to the restroom. take the long way to the meeting. walk around the block before work. walk around the block at lunch. i also spend a lot of time walking in place at my stand-up desk.

i was less than uninterested... really, i resisted getting a device. i didn't want another thing, another bond, tie, link. i didn't want to have a "here i am" broadcaster strapped to my wrist. didn't want any of that... until the competition. i am really a bit of a whore for competition. i couldn't resist anymore.

i started STEPPING INTO SPRING about 4 days after it started and now i am leading my team and in the top 10 overall.

walking walking walking counting counting counting.

still, i am ambivalent about the device. i truly don't like the tethered feeling it gives me and i really don't like having one of what everyone else in the world has. as ruthlessly normcore as i am, it's just a byproduct of being me. i am not choosing normcore, i simply am normcore because of my choices. these fitness bands are the epitome of normcore and simultaneously, not really me. if it were me, i'd have it no matter what status it has vis-a-vis normcore, but since it's not really me, and it is normcore, it's like i have chosen the fitness band BECAUSE it's normcore. see? i haven't chosen it because it's "me" so i must have chosen it because it's normcore. see? see?? are you getting any of this???

bottom line, i am a mad counting beast right now, but after the competition is over, the tether will be broken.